Peyton Manning: Touchdown King, Pizza Mogul, Sentient Forehead — PFP Week 8

If I didn't tell you this was actually a Marvel Comics character by the name of The Watcher and not Peyton Manning, would you have known the difference? Don't put on airs. We all know the answer is "no."

If I didn’t tell you this was actually a Marvel Comics character by the name of The Watcher and not Peyton Manning, would you have known the difference? Don’t put on airs. We all know the answer is “no.”

After a somewhat quiet week 7, week 8 delivered a fantastic amount of storylines. From Peyton Manning claiming Brett Favre’s touchdown record to Percy Harvin being dumped on the Jets like an animal you just can’t housebreak to Jeff Fisher laying claim to possessing the largest testicles in football, some crazy things happened both on and off the field. We wrap it all up nicely and preview what’s the best to come in week 9 on the latest Papa’s Football Podcast. Please remember to subscribe to the show using the links below, leave us (nice) feedback, tell your friends and send us all of your money. I’ll settle for like two out of those four.

Click here to listen to this episode of Papa’s Football Podcast or hit the “play” button below. Click here to open us in iTunes, where you can subscribe to the show and leave us some rating and comment love, and click here if you want to do the same using the Stitcher ap!

And Here Come the Cowboys Fans — Papa’s Football Podcast Week 7

Please, God, don't let them add to this pile.

Please, God, don’t let them add to this pile.

This was a trying weekend for most NFL fans. Forced to choose between a Seattle team championed by its motormouth, asshat cornerback and the team all good, Christ-fearing people love to hate, most of us prayed for a meteorite to fall on CenturyLink Field during the game (or at least a tie). In the end, the Dallas Cowboys prevailed, and the chatter celebrating it on my Facebook timeline since has been intolerable (god bless the “unfollow” button).

There was much more from the week that was to discuss, from the massive success of the Browns’ season (yes, you read that correctly) taking them right through the Steelers like shit through a goose to San Diego cutting out a close win over the Raiders. (Yes, you also read that correctly.) From the week that was to the week that’s coming up and also presenting an interesting new theory on what works in college football, the latest episode of Papa’s Football Podcast has it all for you. Enjoy and share, everyone!

Click here to listen to this episode of Papa’s Football Podcast or hit the “play” button below. Click here to open us in iTunes, where you can subscribe to the show and leave us some rating and comment love, and click here if you want to do the same using the Stitcher ap!

Jerry Jones And Jimmy Johnson Effing Hate Each Other

An infographic explaining the outcome of "The Trade."

An infographic explaining the outcome of “The Trade.” Not depicted: The part where Jimmy Johnson makes it all happen in spite of the meddling of Ol’ Jerruh.

The title of this piece isn’t intended as a revelation. It has been known for some time that Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, and Jimmy Johnson, the team’s former coach and architect of the franchise’s massive success in the 90s, passionately dislike each other. It’s one of the dominant themes of the fantastic book Boys Will Be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty, and it was explored again recently in an incredible article by ESPN writer Don Van Natta Jr.

I’m writing this because, on Thursday, the latest salvo in the artillery battle between these two football titans with their Stalin-like, non-receding grey hairlines was fired, with Jimmy Johnson declaring during a discussion of the 25th anniversary of the trade of Herschel Walker that, “Jerry Jones told me I couldn’t get rid of [him].” (All too predictably, Jones stated the next day on-air that the Herschel move was all his idea.)

To those of you unfamiliar with the Cowboys of the 90s, the trade of Herschel Walker to the Minnesota Vikings for seemingly countless draft picks (known thereafter in football lore simply as “The Trade”) is what got the team the personnel it used to win its three Super Bowls that decade. Jerry Jones’ claim to his role in the success of those years is that it was his management and draft decisions, not Johnson’s, that built the team. So Jimmy’s words roughly translate to, “How many times do I have to make clear that I managed to succeed in Dallas despite having this corn-toothed dunce as my boss, not because of it?”

Nearly two decades have passed since Johnson’s departure from the team, and nearly two decades of on-field impotence have followed, making Jones’ claims ring more and more hollow by the year. (Please note this was written before Dallas’ Sunday win over Seattle, and, according to all Cowboys fans, my statement regarding a lack of on-field success is now patently incorrect and it’s time to start sizing the team for its sixth ring.)

As a Redskins fan, those three Dallas Super Bowl victories were almost worth the shit-show that has followed. To the residents of DC, Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson were the interminably successful power couple that lived on your block and one-upped you in every conceivable avenue of life. The had a nicer house than you. Their jobs paid more. Their kids were doing better in school than your kids. They even looked better than you. Hearing how much they now hate each other is akin to learning that the husband in this metaphorical couple turned out to be gay and left with the pool boy, the wife got disbarred for botching a huge trial and is now penniless and both of their kids dropped out of college to “find themselves.” In other words, it’s the most refreshing cup of Schadenfreude punch you’re ever going to sip.

Gulf Coast Bias: PFPod’s College Football Rankings

Ole Miss and Mississippi State catapulted into the Top 5 of the AP and Coaches’ Polls this week, thanks to victories over Alabama and Texas A&M last Saturday. Mississippi’s top 2 programs have now joined Auburn, Baylor, and Florida State as the leading candidates for college football’s inaugural Final Four.

It should come as no surprise to college football fans that schools from the Gulf Coast are dominating the national championship conversation in 2014. During the BCS era (1998-2013), schools from Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, and Texas claimed the college football national championship 12 times out of 16 seasons. Whenever a school from the other 45 states won a BCS national title, their opponent in the BCS championship game was almost always a Gulf Coast program: USC’s now-vacated Orange Bowl win over Oklahoma in 2005 marks the only time that the Gulf Coast was not officially represented at a BCS championship game (though, technically, nearly 40% of OU’s roster is recruited from Texas).

College football’s newly appointed “Blue Ribbon” committee ought to follow this unwritten rule: the Gulf Coast deserves at least two spots in college football’s Final Four. Though the SEC West should never have more than one team slated for the national playoff bracket, a second spot in the Final Four should almost always go to the best remaining team in Texas or Florida.

We don’t make this pronouncement based on mere bias—we look to the recent track record of Gulf Coast schools. Schools from Alabama, Florida, Louisiana, and Texas have strung together nine consecutive national championships since 2005. And if you look at the current AP and Coaches’ Polls, right now the Gulf Coast owns a monopoly on the Top 5 rankings in 2014.

That’s why we’ve decided on PFPod.com to create a weekly featured called the “State of the Gulf.” We’ll list every Gulf Coast program receiving votes in the latest Coaches’ and AP Polls, and rank them order of combined points earned that week. We’ll then calculate the Gulf Coast’s “market share” out of the AP and Coaches’ Polls (i.e., the percentage of points that Gulf Coast programs have earned from all poll voters).

Since only 30 of the 128 FBS programs are located in the Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, schools from these states should account for slightly less than 24% of the available points in the two major polls. Our “State of the Gulf” feature will highlight just how much Gulf Coast college football teams outperform the other 98 schools from 45 other states.

This week, our inaugural column shows that the Gulf Coast owns a whopping 48.9% of the combined Polls’ points. At this rate, we might see three Gulf Coast schools in this year’s Final Four:

School/ TOTAL Pts.
1. FSU/ 2966
2. Auburn/ 2936
3. Baylor/ 2630
4. Ole Miss/ 2628
5. Miss.St./ 2557
6. Alabama/ 2125
7. TCU/ 1844
8. Texas A&M/ 1437
9. LSU/ 110

STATE OF THE GULF: These 9 Gulf Coast schools received 19,233 points, which is 48.9% of the 39,325 points awarded in the AP and Coaches’ Polls! 4 Gulf Coast schools (FSU, Auburn, Baylor, and Mississippi State) account for 100% of the 1st place votes placed in both major polls.

Peyton Manning Breaks The 500 Touchdown Mark — Papa’s Football Podcast Week 6

Whoever this moustachioed fellow is, he seems to be a big fan of Peyton Manning's latest accomplishment.

Whoever this moustachioed fellow is, he seems to be a big fan of Peyton Manning’s latest accomplishment.

The wheat is certainly separating from the chaff this week in the league, and the teams that look like they’re going somewhere in the postseason are making their cases with a vengeance. Peyton Manning broke the 500 touchdown plateau against the previously unbeaten Arizona Cardinals, Tom Brady redeemed himself with a thrashing of the Cincinnati Bengals, and San Diego crushed a New York Jets team that looked screwed whether it was Geno Smith or Mike Vick behind center. We offer an irreverent, funny take on all the week 5 action and what’s to come in week 6 on the latest Papa’s Football Podcast. Tell your friends and spread it around!

Click here to listen to this episode of Papa’s Football Podcast or hit the “play” button below. Click here to open us in iTunes, where you can subscribe to the show and leave us some rating and comment love, and click here if you want to do the same using the Stitcher ap!

The Kirk Cousins Dream Is Dead — Papa’s Football Podcast Week 4

michael biehn commander andrson the rock

You remember how The Rock begins with Michael Biehn and the SEAL Team he leads attempting to save the day by entering Alcatraz to stop Ed Harris and his team of rogue soldiers, only to be ambushed and slaughtered? And how, ultimately, its two unexpected, scrappy heroes, Sean Connery and Nic Cage that come through in the clutch when the big guns in front of them failed? The Redskins’ season is kinda like that, with RG3 playing the part of the SEAL Team and Kirk Cousins as the scrappy duo who somehow gets it done. Except, in this analogy, Sean Connery and Nic Cage also get riddled with bullets by Ed Harris 90 seconds after the SEAL Team’s brains are splattered on the walls and the powers that be are left wondering, “Well, Christ…is there a pizza boy we can send in there or something?”

Besides the age-old tale of another horrific prime time Redskins loss, there’s Steve Smith sticking it to his former Carolina Panthers team, the Miami Dolphins ending the Raiders coach portion of Dennis Allen’s career, J.J. Watt being an unstoppable god of defensive destruction and why the wheels might finally be coming off for Nick Foles, Chip Kelly and the rest of the ringless filthbirds of Philadelphia. All that, some gloating from our resident New York Giants fan @OriginalNixster and a preview of what’s to come in week four on the latest Papa’s Football Podcast.

Click here to listen to this episode of Papa’s Football Podcast or hit the “play” button below. Click here to open us in iTunes, where you can subscribe to the show and leave us some rating and comment love, and click here if you want to do the same using the Stitcher ap!

NFL Power Rankings Week 4: PFPod’s “Playoff Projector”

After 3 weeks of football, only three undefeated NFL teams remain. The big story in our Power Rankings are the disappearance of the Packers, 49ers, and Saints from the playoff picture. Don’t despair—we expect all three of these 1-2 teams to climb back into our Top 12 as soon as next week. Seriously, will 12 NFL teams finish September with winning records? With only 16 teams sitting at 2-1 or better, we’re taking the Under on that bet…

Top 4: Bye-week Bound

1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Arizona Cardinals
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Denver Broncos

Despite losing at Seattle, Denver’s impressed us with their 4th quarter comeback to force overtime against their Super Bowl foe. Unfortunately for Seattle, even though the Seahawks proved they are a better team than the Broncos, the Cardinals still own first place in the NFC West. We can’t wait for Arizona’s Week 12 road trip to Seattle.

Wild Card Weekenders

5. San Diego Chargers
6. Seattle Seahawks
7. Chicago Bears
8. Baltimore Ravens
9. Atlanta Falcons
10. Carolina Panthers
11. New England Patriots
12. Houston Texans

The Patriots climb into our Top 12 for the first time this season on the strength of a weak win over the Raiders. We fully expect the Jets to challenge the Patriots atop the lowly AFC East.

As for the Bears’ team that beat the Jets on Monday night, they have a huge opportunity to jump ahead in the NFC North when they host the Packers on Sunday. Once again, Green Bay and Chicago promise to give us another exciting high stakes matchup #GameOfTheWeek

Kirk Cousins Is Dreamier Than Ryan Gosling — Papa’s Football Podcast Week 3

Here I go, here I go, here I go again. Girls, what's my weakness? Non-injury-prone quarterbacks that effectively pass from the pocket.

Here I go, here I go, here I go again. Girls, what’s my weakness? Non-injury-prone quarterbacks that effectively pass from the pocket.

(If you prefer watching this episode as a video rather than listening to it as a podcast, click here to view it on YouTube.)

Yes, they lost. Yes, he threw an interception. Yes, it was only one game. But if you are a Washington Redskins fan, you had to love what you saw out of quarterback Kirk Cousins in Philadelphia on Sunday. We discuss what to expect from Kirk in his week 4 game at home against the Giants, how Denver also looked great even in defeat against the Seahawks, and why Tampa Bay could go winless this season in the latest Papa’s Football Podcast. If you like your football talk honest, raw and very dirty, you’re gonna love this episode.

Click here to listen to this episode of Papa’s Football Podcast or hit the “play” button below. Click here to open us in iTunes, where you can subscribe to the show and leave us some rating and comment love, and click here if you want to do the same using the Stitcher ap!

NFL Power Rankings Week 3: PFPod’s “Playoff Projector”

With two games under our belt, it’s hardly the time for any team to panic or celebrate. Only seven teams are 2-0, leaving Power Ranking pundits speculating which 1-1 teams are the elitest of the bunch. Weeks like this I’m relieved we cut off our list at 12 slots.

Top 4: Bye-week Bound(for now)

1. Denver Broncos
2. Cincinnati Bengals
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Arizona Cardinals

Our surprise pick in the Top 4 is Arizona. True, the Cards did not make playoffs in 2013, whereas the 2-0 Eagles are defending divisional champs. The Eagles’ two comeback victories to start the season, however, were built on the heels of two woeful 1st half performances. Sophomore HC Chip Kelly has yet to prove that his offense can sustain four quarters of success in a so-called “league of adjustments.” We expect to find out by the end of the regular season whether Kelly is a pro football genius or a leading candidate to replace Will Muschamp down at Florida University (not to be confused with FAU or FIU, the Gators will always be “FU” in my book).

Wild Card Weekenders

5. Philadelphia Eagles
6. San Diego Chargers
7. Buffalo Bills
8. Seattle Seahawks
9. Houston Texans
10. Chicago Bears
11. Green Bay Packers
12. Baltimore Ravens

The Chargers made the biggest jump of the young season with an impressive win over the Seahawks. We remain unimpressed with the Texans’ two victories, though, admittedly, Green Bay’s bare win over the Jets at Lambeau was even less inspiring.

Let us know what you think of our Power Rankings format. And feel free to tell us what we got wrong this week.

Adrian Peterson Beats His Son (Oh, And Week 2 Of The NFL Happened) — Papa’s Football Podcast Week 2

I tried to find a photo of the episode where Homer takes a switch and uses it to beat Bart's testicles, but this was the best I could come up with.

I tried to find a photo of the episode where Homer takes a switch and uses it to beat Bart’s testicles, but this was the best I could come up with.

Someday soon, our shows will be totally devoid of off-the-field drama. That day, however, is not today. We touch on the story of a felony arrest for Vikings start RB Adrian Peterson for child abuse (he apparently took a switch and beat the holy hell out of his kid’s testicles and ass with it) before getting into Week 2’s biggest stories (Seattle going down to San Diego and Richard Sherman being a little bitch about it, for example) and what Week 3’s sexiest games are going to be. Plus Buffalo Bills superfan “Nate” lets us know what it’s like having a shred of hope up in that frozen hellhole with the team currently at 2-0 and atop the AFC East. If you like your sports talk fun, fast and dirty, then like and share the episode! (Oh, and click here if you want to hear me talk for an hour about AP’s ball beating.)

Click here to listen to this episode of Papa’s Football Podcast or hit the “play” button below. Click here to open us in iTunes, where you can subscribe to the show and leave us some rating and comment love, and click here if you want to do the same using the Stitcher app!